Published in Mobiles

Apple fans psychologically programmed to smash their phones

by on28 December 2016

New study reveals upgrade psychosis

A new psychological study has discovered that Apple fanboys are programmed to destroy their phones the moment a new one appears on the market.

The study comes from the Columbia Business School, which found that Apple fanboys appear psychologically programmed to start acting recklessly with their iPhones when new models come out.

"Carelessness and neglect toward currently owned products stem from a desire to justify the attainment of upgrades without appearing wasteful," the study's authors wrote.

Apparently more people neglect and lose their phones just when new versions are released and they have called the phenomenon the "upgrade effect". It applies to many different goods, and owners often have no idea they're taking part in it. Apple, on the other hand, seems to have mysteriously timed out the whole thing well.

Our theory is that unconsciously most Apple fanboys hate their iPhone. They hate how much it costs, how little functionality they get, how owning one has made them behave like idiots and that other people they know have better technology for less. However they are programmed to believe that they have got the best deal and to admit that is wrong would cause the destruction of their universe and reveal them as the technology pigmies everyone knows them to be. However, once a year, Apple indicates to them that it is OK to want a new phone – even if it is a new model and permits them to get rid of their old one. This means that all that unconscious hate comes to the surface and their old phone suffers.

Rather than suggesting that Apple fanboys seek immediate counselling the Tame Apple Press welcomed the report’s findings:

“So if you've got the iPhone 6, you might be accidently dropping it and trading it in for the iPhone 7 soon,” wrote one hack about the report. We guess it is a form of suggestion.

Last modified on 28 December 2016
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