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Apple invokes the ancient gods for car business

by on13 April 2016

Might have chosen the wrong ones

Apple has been trying to draft ancient gods into its cult to develop its self-driving car.  Like the car it might backfire badly.

For those who came in late, Apple believes that it can make up for the fact that the iPhone is a dying commodity by getting into car making. After all there is a long history of people paying a fortune for a nicely designed but fairly pointless car.

Apple’s project is being housed in several different buildings around Sunnyvale and has codenamed them all after Greek gods and monsters. Unfortunately, due to their minimum of research into other religions they made some odd name choses which may reflect badly on the cars they hope to make.

Firstly the project is called Titan. The Titans were a race of gods which became out-of-date and were eventually outclassed by the Olympians. Names for the buildings include Medusa – a Goddess famous for turning things into stone which is not exactly you want from a car, particularly if you don’t like to push the thing.

Another building is called Athena, who was the patron goddess of Wisdom and intelligent combat. But she was also famous for being a too clever and tricky. One of the reasons that she was so friendly with Odysseus was because he was too clever for his own good.

Zeus was one of Apple's largest building purchases of 2015 and although he was the King of the Gods, he also had a nasty habit of having affairs and lobbing thunderbolts of doom. Another building is called Rhea who the Roman’s identified with Magna Mater whose priests were required to lop off their own genitals as an offering to her. Finally there is Pegasus a winged horse who had the job of carrying Zeus ‘thunderbolts of doom’ and making sure they hit there target.

So any product made by this combination is likely to be a totally amoral, out-of-date technology which paralyses all who touch it, is too clever and fiddly which emasculates you and your bank-account and hastens your doom.

Another side issue is that one of the buildings used for Titan is a former Pepsi bottling plant. Which suggests the project will fizz out and be rather flat.

Last modified on 13 April 2016
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