According to Reuters analysts all think that Intel should buy Qualcomm. We wondered what Wall Street had been smoking so we bugged an all-night coffee bar in New York and recorded a group of analysts having a business meeting. We have changed the names of the analysts to protect their identity.
A (breathes in): No, I tell you. Qualcomm will have to sell up (breaths out slowly) it is in a mess and the patent side of the business is propping up the chip side.
B: (giggles) did you say pooping up.
A: Propping up... you know, supporting (giggles)
B: I think... I think you are right... but Intel, Intel phaw eh? Can you imagine Intel's fabs chucking out Qualcomm chips... it would be the end as we know it.
C: It would be like... Intel really being in the mobile market. Like now.
A (breathes out) Yeah... and Intel would not have to bribe people to make its gear.
C: Are you going to have that all-night?
C: Ta (Breathes in). It would be like a badger eating a racoon and becoming a very big badger with an attitude problem. (Breathes out)
B: Intel would be a super badger... it has the stripes.
A: Of course the regulators would never allow it. Nasty, nasty FCC.
C: Still (breathes in) it would be a lot better than the Chinese getting their hands on it.
B: (giggles) You want sweet and sour with your chips?
A: Don't say that I am already feeling peckish.
C: But if Intel had it Qualcomm cut costs and price its chips more competitively (breathes out)
B: Ta (breathes in) True, but the issue with Qualcomm isn't its chips... you know what it is?
B: (breathes out and coughs) Nahh... it is... oh damn forgot what I was going to say now.
A: Don't worry you will remember when the Wall Street Journal rings you in half an hour.
C: I reckon that Intel could offer about $24 a share.
A: How did you work that out then?
C: Scientific accounting...
A &B (make indistinct noise)
C: No, no hear me out. What you do is take the number of women in this bar and work it out on a dollar for each breast. There are 12 women here tonight so that is $24. I call it the TBI, I got that quoted in the New York Times last week. They didn't ask what it meant didn't have the heart to tell them it stood for Two Breast Index.
B: But the only problem with that is the TBI index for Qualcomm's is the same as Intel's.
C: Oh yeah... good point. Hang on that woman has going so Qualcomm's TBI is $2 lower than Intel's. Sounds like a good buy. Sh*t better text the WSJ.
A&B: (Collapse into hysterical laughter)