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Analysts think that Intel should buy Qualcomm

by on24 July 2015

Fudzilla bugs them

The cocaine nose jobs of Wall Street have been mulling over the news that Qualcomm might spin off its chip making business.

According to Reuters analysts all think that Intel should buy Qualcomm. We wondered what Wall Street had been smoking so we bugged an all-night coffee bar in New York and recorded a group of analysts having a business meeting. We have changed the names of the analysts to protect their identity.

A (breathes in): No, I tell you. Qualcomm will have to sell up (breaths out slowly) it is in a mess and the patent side of the business is propping up the chip side.
B: (giggles) did you say pooping up.
A: Propping up... you know, supporting (giggles)
B: I think... I think you are right... but Intel, Intel phaw eh? Can you imagine Intel's fabs chucking out Qualcomm chips... it would be the end as we know it.
C: It would be like... Intel really being in the mobile market. Like now.
A (breathes out) Yeah... and Intel would not have to bribe people to make its gear.
C: Are you going to have that all-night?
A: Sorry.
C: Ta (Breathes in). It would be like a badger eating a racoon and becoming a very big badger with an attitude problem. (Breathes out)
B: Intel would be a super badger... it has the stripes.
A: Of course the regulators would never allow it. Nasty, nasty FCC.
B: Nasty.
C: Still (breathes in) it would be a lot better than the Chinese getting their hands on it.
B: (giggles) You want sweet and sour with your chips?
A: Don't say that I am already feeling peckish.
C: But if Intel had it Qualcomm cut costs and price its chips more competitively (breathes out)
B: Ta (breathes in) True, but the issue with Qualcomm isn't its chips... you know what it is?
C: Badgers?
B: (breathes out and coughs) Nahh... it is... oh damn forgot what I was going to say now.
A: Don't worry you will remember when the Wall Street Journal rings you in half an hour.
C: I reckon that Intel could offer about $24 a share.
A: How did you work that out then?
C: Scientific accounting...
A &B (make indistinct noise)
C: No, no hear me out. What you do is take the number of women in this bar and work it out on a dollar for each breast. There are 12 women here tonight so that is $24. I call it the TBI, I got that quoted in the New York Times last week. They didn't ask what it meant didn't have the heart to tell them it stood for Two Breast Index.
A&B: (Giggles).
B: But the only problem with that is the TBI index for Qualcomm's is the same as Intel's.
C: Oh yeah... good point. Hang on that woman has going so Qualcomm's TBI is $2 lower than Intel's. Sounds like a good buy. Sh*t better text the WSJ.
A&B: (Collapse into hysterical laughter)

Last modified on 24 July 2015
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