Published in AI

Anal beads and AI rock chess world

by on19 September 2022

Did the earth move for you?

The chess world has been moved internally by its biggest scandal in years.

World chess champion Magnus Carlsen had to pull out from a major tournament with a $350,000 prize money he was unexpectedly defeated by Hans Niemann.

Carlsen released a video implying that Niemann had cheated as he had done a couple of times before. Next issued a statement that it had banned Niemann from its site over his cheating.

Then it gets amusing. Chess enthusiasts online have since gone on to speculate that Niemann may have been cheating with computer assistance and anal beads.  We admit that while AI could have helped Nieman will anal beads are not something that fired our imagination – maybe we put them in wrong.  Still, it makes that Wizard's chess scene in Harry Potter much more amusing.

While AI could come up with the winning moves getting the information to the cheater is a bit tricky. Vibrating beads would only be a give away if the player looked like he was enjoying the game too much.

Arse expert Elon [look at me] Musk, joined in on the debate by quoting philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer. He tweeted: ‘Talent hits a target no one else can hit, genius hits a target no one can see” adding (cause it’s in ur butt) to the quote.”  To be fair, Elon deleted the tweet as it was a little too low even for him. 

However, despite the fevered imaginations of what chess players stick up themselves a Musk and Twitter obsession, no one has actually said that was how Niemann cheated.

In fact, the experts think he got his paws on Carlsen’s game plan ahead of time, thereby anticipating his surprise opening.

Niemann has vehemently denied that he cheated against Carlsen and even went so far as to say that he would play naked to prove it. Other chess pros have defended Niemann, calling the allegations a ‘witch hunt’ although anal beads were not mentioned in the Malleus Maleficarum probably because the witch hunters who used it didnt have WiFi.


Last modified on 19 September 2022
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