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Apple’s TV programming hits new low

by on10 August 2016


Front people named as secret minutes revealed

The fruity cargo cult, Apple’s mission to lower the standards of the world hit a new “high” today after it announced which celebs were going to host their new self-reverential app developer “reality” show. Gwyneth Paltrow, will.i.am have been named as the celebrities which will add weight to “Planet of the Apps.” It seems such a strange decision that we asked one of our Apple deep throats to find us the minutes of the meeting where it was made. We provide it verbatim:

Minutes of the Meeting
4 August 2016
Present: Tim Cook (Chairman), Inventor of the True and Holy Rounded Rectangle (ITHRR) Jonathan Ive, four management droogs bought in to make up a quorum.

The chairman called the meeting to order and ITHRR recited the official prayer.

Our founder who is art in heaven
Steve Jobs be thy name
Thy liver came, but you still died
On earth but not in heaven
Give us this day increased profits
And deliver us from the tax man
For thine is the iPhone
The tablet and the Ipod
Forever and ever
Wow!

Chairman: What is happening with this new super, cool, ground-breaking, reality TV show that we are developing?

ITHRR: Well as you know the reality TV format has been done to death and everyone else has run out of ideas. So therefore it is safe for us to release our own version which steals everyone else’s format.

Droog One: We have decided that it is better to mix the format of the Apprentice with that of Dragon’s Den. So we have app developers pitch their products to a panel of experts who decide if they are going to get funding.

Chairman: The Apprentice? But isn’t that rather old hat?

Droog Two: Please don’t beat me master, but it has been very successful at convincing a large section of the population that Donald Trump is a good business man and despite all evidence might be a sane option to control the US Nukes.

Chairman: Good point.

Droog One: Obviously if anyone is going to believe this super-cool programme is going to be better than Game of Thrones we need to have super-cool hosts that can be guaranteed to recite the Apple mantra’s without laughing.

ITHRR: Will+IAM said he would do it.

Chairman: Will=IAM who is he?

Droog two: He is a popular beat combo artist whose backing band features a black person, a red indian, a Pilipino American and a woman with Big Jugs.

Chairman: Oh Village People... that takes me back... Y.M.C.A.

Droog One: Er yes master.... Anyway Will+IAM is brilliant, he is famous and he will also assist that little problem with are having with getting an ethnic balance in the company by increasing the numbers of Africian Americans the company hires.

Droog Two: It is also handy because if Will+IAM is a third of the hosts then it will give the impression to the viewing public that Apple are a third African American rather than the two thirds white that we really are.

Chairman: So to make that doubly, super-cool, we should find a woman to be a co-host.

Droog One: Excellent idea master. In fact we have a name who will do it... Gwyneth Paltrow.

Chairman: Does she know anything about technology?

Droog Two: No she is an actress. But she has an Oscar so is totally bankable and she is so much part of the Apple cult she named one of her children Apple so you can’t better programmed than that.

Chairman: Super, cool, excellent. So what is the next plan?

ITHRR: Well we have an “opportunity” here..

Droog two: he means problem...

Droog one: Shush there are no problems in Apple only opportunities.

Droog two: Sorry I will beat myself later.

ITHRR: We have an “opportunity” in that most people with half a brain cell would think that the concept sucks like a gumless crack-whore. But fortunately that has not stopped us in the past...

Droog two: Remember the tablet!

ITHRR:... so the plan is to market the shit out of it until everyone thinks it is the new America’s Got Talent..

Droog Two: As ITHRR said, the problem, sorry opportunity are the people with half a brain cell, fortunately Apple has always considered this market too hard and best left to our rivals. As our glorious leader Steve Jobs (peace be upon him said) “send me not the clever and the bright, but the stupid, the spoilt and their children.” This programme fits into the Apple objective of dumbing down the world further so that there will be less intelligent people and therefore more consumers of Apple products.

ITHHR: It is fair to say the programme will be a high-budget, good-looking, slick piece of crap just like any other Apple product.

DroogTwo is taken out and shot for doctrinal reasons.

 

Last modified on 10 August 2016
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