Front people named as secret minutes revealed

The fruity cargo cult, Apple’s mission to lower the standards of the world hit a new “high” today after it announced which celebs were going to host their new self-reverential app developer “reality” show. Gwyneth Paltrow, will.i.am have been named as the celebrities which will add weight to “Planet of the Apps.” It seems such a strange decision that we asked one of our Apple deep throats to find us the minutes of the meeting where it was made. We provide it verbatim: