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Monday, 29 October 2012 12:33

What is wrong with the iPhone 5

Written by Nick Farrell



Here is the Fudzilla Nick Farrell list


If you need a reason not to buy the iPhone 5 what follows is a list of everything that is wrong with it.

Apple Maps

A week after the iPhone 5 and iOS 6, Apple CEO Tim Cook admitted that the new Maps app was rubbish.  Given that Apple Maps was supposed to be the killer app for the iPhone 5, that effectively made the new phone dead in the water.  This is exactly what happened with Apple's Siri technology which was the only reason to buy the iPhone4S.  That software did not work either.

Purple haze

Apple felt that to improve its imaginary cool factor it needed to slip in some purple haze.   After all Jimi Hendrix was “cool” and if you have purple haze, your device would have to be as cool as the Axe god himself right?  However since Apple designers are the sorts who were born after the 1960's and whose mums would never let them discover what drug culture was all about, they thought that purple haze was something you put on a screen to make it cooler.  They put a purple haze or flare on some of the pictures captured when the phone is angled toward a bright light that may be just outside a scene.

Battery

Apple claims up to eight hours of talk time for the iPhone 5, and eight to 10 hours of internet use, depending on whether you're using 3G, 4G or wi-fi networks. The problem with is that Apple's measurement of time does not follow the well ordered  definitions that Stephen Hawking would recognise. An Apple moment seems to last a lot longer than those experienced by other people. Those who operate outside the Apple space time continuum are noticing that their batteries are going flatter than others they have owned. So far there have been a lot of explanations for this phenomena and so far there have been no good ones.

Scratches

Apple users have been moaning that scratches have been appearing on their shiny new phones. Apple's answer to this is that it was a design feature. Any aluminium product may scratch or chip with use, exposing its natural silver colour. But it appears that some of the problems are coming before the user has had a chance to cause the scratches themselves. Reports have come in of quality control crackdowns at Foxconn Technology, which assembles the iPhone, leading to possible supply shortages.

Screen glitches

In addition to purple haze, it appears that the designers of the Apple unlock screen were possessed by aliens. In the "Green glow on iPhone 5 unlock screen?" topic area in the Apple Support Communities, one user wrote that a green glow appeared around the edge of the display on his iPhone for a fraction of a second after you turn on the screen. Some users reported similar issues.  The fear is that reptilian aliens are secretly monitoring the use of the iPhone as part of their plans to form a One World Government. Then there is that constant flicker of light that appears under the keyboard on some devices. Apple has not said anything about the issue, but we imagine it would deny that its controlled by lizards.

Slowness

Apple's iPhone 5 is supposed to come with a superfast chip and go like the clappers. Yet some have seen slow times between when they tap on a message in an email inbox and when that message actually appears.

Apple fanboys and the Tame Apple press have continued to play down the problem saying that the iPhone 5 must be perfect because it is selling so well. Popularly is not always a good thing. The Black Death was popular as was small pox, it does not make it a desirable product. We suspect if Apple marketed iSyphilis there would be fanboys who would queue for it, and insist, as they were suffering, that it must be good because it is popular.

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