We have to admit we were never too kind to Apple when it comes to the outfit’s intellectual property claims, but a recently released court document sheds some light on Cupertino’s reality distortion field and the sheer scope of its nonsensical claims.

In one of many injunctions against Samsung, Apple brought in an “expert witness” to weigh in on the matter and elaborate what exactly Samsung, and other companies, should do if they are to avoid legal action from Apple.

So here are some of Apple’s priceless design guidelines for smartphones:

    Front surface that isn’t black.
    Overall shape that isn’t rectangular, or doesn’t have rounded corners.
    Display screens that aren’t centered on the front face and have substantial lateral borders.
    Non-horizontal speaker slots.
    Front surfaces with substantial adornment.
    No front bezel.

Not to be outdone in the lunacy department, here are some tablet suggestions as well:

    Overall shape that isn’t rectangular, or doesn’t have rounded corners.
    Thick frames rather than a thin rim around the front surface.
    Front surface that isn’t entirely flat.
    Profiles that aren’t thin.

So, Apple thinks it is perfectly logical to ask the competition to stop making black, rectangular phones with displays centered on the front face. For lack of a better word, priceless. Also, tablets shouldn't be rectangular, flat or thin, either.

These “suggestions” are aimed at Samsung, but obviously they apply to everyone who dares make a black, rectangular phone or a flat tablet, neither of which are exactly Apple ideas, nor are they really something that could or should be patented in the first place. Of course, Apple is equally aware of this fact, but it’s simply abusing the legal system to make life a bit more miserable for the competition.