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Apple faces darker trials and tribulations

by on01 May 2020

 

Could this be the end of the world?

Apple's temporal and spiritual head Tim Cook has warned of potential trials and tribulations for followers of the cargo cult due to the plague coronavirus, the unfaithful apostates and heretics who belive in value for money.

Cook gaveth not his his normal prophecy of glory for the current quarter because of uncertainty created by the virus, and he beareth witnessed before his congregation that iPhone sales declined in the March quarter as device sales were forced to online-only in many places.

Yeah verily the only thing he could speak of to give his followers hope was that sales of subscription services such as streaming television content rose with billions of people locked in their homes, which pushed the overall number of subscribers to paid apps and services on Apple’s devices to 515 million.

However nay sayers and apostates of Wall Street, for they are legion,  pointed out that Cook was too silent about AppleTV+. They did wonder how many subscribers were added in the quarter, especially following updates from rivals like Netflix and Disney+ and others did spake of how Apple's content was rather poor -- yeah unto a great streaming turd.

And the people of China who have propped up Apple's sales have turned their back on the cargo cult saying "in this time of woe why should we spend so much cash just for the a device which carries the mark of Jobs".

Apple saw China sales of $9.46 billion, down less than a $1 billion from a year ago.

But Cook insisted that China was "moving in the right direction". But of course, growing slightly from a poor position is in the right direction, even if the pace is glacial.

Others, who remain faithful to Apple do spake and say "consider the $58.3 billion profits and earnings of $2.55 for the second quarter. Are these not more than the $58 billion of last year?"  For, as the Tame Apple Press bears witness -- "is this not better than a poke in the eye with a short stick?"

And Cook did say unto them that before people started dying in the street Apple did see an incredible time of plenty whereith the company was "rolling in it" and it was looking to the summit of its guidence of between $63 billion and $67 billion in sales. But the hammer of fate did falleth fast and decreed that there should be at least seven lean months.

And Apple decided that not even it could spinneth figures this bad and kept its own counsel over the estimated range of sales for the current quarter.

“Rather than pretend we can project it, we’re being very straightforward and saying we lack the visibility to do it”, Cook spake and the Tame Apple Press kneweth not what his words meant, but faithfully reported him anyway.

And the Cathedrals of Earthly delight, yeah even unto the Apple stores outside mainland China, Hong Kong, Taiwan and South Korea remained upon the wing of abominations and desolate.  And a sign was hung on their door which stateth that they were closed.  And the sacrilege of price cuts did harm the mark of Jobs.  For was not the newest iPhone SE 2  only available via online and so those who wished to have a two year old midrange phone without looking at rivals found it harder to find one?

But lo, Cook said that Apple plans to re-open retail stores in Austria and Australia in one to two weeks and a small number of stores in the United States in the first half of May.

Cook spake not of his supply chain disruptions for devices that will be released later this year. But pronounced that Apple’s supply chain was “back up and running at full-throttle at the end of March”.

Apple said iPhone sales were $29 billion, down from $30.9 billion the year before and thus the sacred golden cash cow was slaughtered.

Sales for Apple’s services segment, which includes iCloud storage as well as its streaming services for music and television shows, were $13.4 billion, compared with analyst estimates of $12.9 billion, according to FactSet data. Cook said Apple had 515 million subscribers to apps and services on Apple’s platform, up by 125 million from one year earlier. For, in a time of woe, doth not Apple fanboys listen to Coldplay and U2 until their ears bleedeth?

 

 

Last modified on 01 May 2020
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