A Tame Apple press reporter from CBS, with absolutely no sense of perspective, described how his purchase of the rubbishy toy on launch day was marred by “portents of doom”.
“Yes, it's expensive. But I couldn't bear the idea of a Google Home or Amazon Echo - aka the salt cellar and the garbage can - in the house. Aesthetics, you understand. (I can feel you pitying me.)”
Er, no we think you are batshit crazy if you think that the HomePod looks any better than the others. We tend to believe that people who think Apple gear looks better than anything else are the types who think that Kayne West can sing and Coldplay have intelligent lyrics.
"The store employee, a somewhat positive sort, insisted I'd be so very, very excited about getting my new toy claiming that “the sound fills the whole store. It's incredible", he said.
To his credit, the CBS hack said it was hard to tell if Apple's “constant embrace of superlatives” was saying anything. Then when the speaker arrived the “atmosphere changed”.
"Now I have to warn you… The cable is permanently attached to the HomePod. If you rip it, it'll cost you almost as much as the HomePod itself to repair.
"Unless you've got AppleCare."
The HomePod costs $350. Repairing it costs $279, as revealed by Apple support. So if you buy AppleCare, it will set you back $39.
Apple fanboy hack does not get angry; he does not storm out of the shop. Instead, he mulls over the philosophy of how it costs as much to repair a comedy mono speaker as it costs to make. Unfortunately, his belief in a benign Apple god does not include the prospect that Jobs’ Mob might just be lying to him. For a start, the parts will probably not cost more than about $100. Part of the problem is that the HomePod is sealed so much that to repair it you need a sledgehammer or a hacksaw which will certainly void the warranty – even if such an act would raise the technology standard of the object immeasurably.
“In the case of the HomePod, unless you have AppleCare+, why wouldn't you just buy a new one, rather than wait an unspecified period for your own to be repaired?” our fanboy asks.
Wrong question. The right question is “why the hell would I buy this overpriced lump of junk in the first place especially if I have to pay more because Apple made it impossible to repair?”
Apple fanboy hack still bought the device, but now he is worried about a neighbour’s cat wandering into the house and registering its displeasure at the device with sharpened claws.
"I brought my HomePod home. It took but a minute to set up. It's quite pretty and the sound is clear and strong. However, he has already discovered that his so-called AI is limited and Siri will not allow him to play music as loud as he likes. Now, though, it's me against the neighbourhood cats. I wonder if I could charge their owners $279 if their cat scratches my HomePod.”
He is American so he probably will buy a gun to defend his overpriced toy and then his neighbours will shoot back to protect their cats… that is how US neighbourhood feuds begin which last for decades.