But claims they are fast anyway due to magic CPU

Fruity cargo-cult might have been a little creative when it came to the benchmark speeds for its latest shiney toys and when questioned about it is claiming that the M2 chip covers all sins. 

And they are not replacing him

The Tame Apple Press is waking up to its worst nightmare this morning – Apparently, Apple’s inventor of the rounded rectangle has given up on the outfit.

Apparently, sex pests can’t own them without telling the authorities

A sex pest was jailed for a year after ignoring a court order which prevented him from using a shiny iPad unless he told coppers first.

Offers millions to the first to break it

The Tame Apple Press has wet itself as their favourite company has released a security system for iOS 16, iPadOS 16, and macOS Ventura which it claims will protect high profile targets from government style attacks.

Enforcement might be impossible

EU lawmakers gave the thumbs up to landmark rules to rein in tech giants such as Alphabet unit Google, Amazon, Apple, Facebook and Microsoft, but enforcement could be hampered by regulators' limited resources.

Pull the udder one new chips only going to be for top of the range machines

Fruity cargo cult Apple has worked out that the best way to squeeze more cash from its dying iPhone cash cow is to drive users to pricy flagship models.

Apple's tame reviewers confused

We feel sorry for the Tame Apple Press at times. There are some days when keeping the reality distortion field going requires so much mental effort and it is probably easier just to wake up and see the truth.

Federal government moves to protect consumers unconsitutional

The US Supremes might be making a move to protect Big Tech from efforts made by the federal government to restrain their power.

Who would have thunk it

The person who Apple appointed to lecture its staff on the dangers of insider trading has admitted six counts of insider trading.

Offering a “discount”

Fruity cargo cult Apple has so many Apple TV boxes sitting in its US warehouses it is giving users an unheard of discount to take them off their hands.